A tiny little bit on depression and how I cope.

I don't like myself very much most days. Some days, I practically loathe myself. Those are the days where I stay in my house, fail to shave, eat too little, drink too much and ruminate on all my failures.  Those are days when I long for someone, anyone, to look at me and say with such conviction that even I can believe it, "You're all right, you know?  A decent sort."  I don't want or need sympathy or pity.  Just to know internally that I'm all right.

Honestly though, the one person who can tell me that thing and the only one from whom I could ever really believe it is me. We're not wired to believe the opinions others hold of us. We all know that if only those people could see inside, see the real us, they'd loathe us too. That's our brains, lying to us. That's our mechanism that helps us be social, gregarious, helpful people run amok.

We're wired up, all of us to feel good about things that make us good people.  And to make abhorrent to us the things that would make us bad people.  Crank that baby up, and the lowest worm of a person will feel guilt and shame.  This mechanism is useful.  It makes us do the right thing when doing the wrong thing would feel good. It helps us understand and feel compassion for the failures of others.  It makes us want to help, not hurt.   But when that mechanism gets running over the recommended specifications, oh man do we suffer.

So I work on telling myself that it's just my brain lying to me.  I tell myself that my foibles aren't that bad.  That mistakes have been made, but nothing from which I couldn't pick myself up and still succeed.  Telling myself these things a process.  Like a twelve step program for my soul. I have to keep working it.  Can't give up.  Can't let that shitty part of my brain lie to me all the time.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, who feels like a worthless or shitty human being some days. If you're out there, locked in your own house, feeling crappy about everything - remember this - your brain is lying to you.

You're all right, you know?  A decent sort.

Keep telling yourself that.  When you forget, pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  You can do this.  You really can.

Because you know what?

You're all right, you know?  A decent sort.

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